Sunday, November 14, 2004

Cheer Is Color Safe

You never realize how much freedom a car brings you until yours is broken. I woke up at noon with the ambition to go to Toys R Us, but soon realized that I would have to walk if I really wanted to go, like that’s gonna happen. The couch my fortress of solitude, that’s where I am and shall remain until something great happens, or the need to take a shower arises. So with nothing else to say about what happen today, I decided to introduce a new segment into This is My Brain on Life, entitled Story Time. Story Time is where I tell you true story about my past; enjoy the first installment of Story Time.

Who doesn’t love pixie sticks? I was a stick addict when I was four years old. Every time my mom had to go to the mall my veins would start calling for the sugary goodness. You see the mall used to be cool in Niles, OH, it had this huge candy store in it, with bins shaped like old barrels chock full of delicious treats. This store also sold those giant pixie sticks, the ones that are twice the size of the giant pixie sticks we have now. I would beg my mother to stop and get me one; if I was lucky I would score some gummy worms too. Because of my addiction I would go through withdraw when I was unable to obtain a stick. This led me to search the house for some kind of sugar. One day came across what I thought was the mother load, it was huge, a box full of grape pixie stick. I grabbed a handful and licked it all off my hand, but something was wrong, this didn’t taste like grape candy, it was bitter and it made me gag. What was it that I ate you ask? Cheer powdered detergent, now days it’s white, but when I was a kid it was purple, and easily mistaken for a box full of grape pixie stick. The slogan was safe on colors; I was praying that it was safe on my intestines. If there is anything to learn from this story, it’s this never assume that you mother would leave I giant box of sugar under the fish tank.

Roger Rabbit 2, no wait it’s Van Helsing, ya the C.G.I. is that bad. Whatever happened to the use of conventional makeup for special effects? Don’t get me wrong I like C.G.I. as much as the next guy, but when it actually looks real, the vampires looked like Count Duckula flying around. For those of you who weren’t kids in the 80’s or who lived under a rock this might jog you memory of Count Duckula, Back to the film, Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) is on a quest to Transylvania to kill Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) with the aid of local hottie Anna (Kate Beckinsale). This film has so many monsters in it; it’s hard to remember who is good and who is evil. The whole plot of the movie is to bring Dracula’s children to life; since he is undead his children are dead when they are born, and the secret to bringing them to life lies in the Frankenstein monster. The whole time I thought Dracula was hiding in the closet instead of a coffin, I bet he only breeds for the sake of his races survival. The film wouldn’t be complete if there wasn’t a seen for Wolverine and Selene to kiss, wait Van and Anna, my bad. If you haven’t seen the film stop reading here, or you will be mad at me for telling the ending. Van becomes a werewolf because of a bit, and realizes that Dracula can only be beaten by one, so it works out for him. Van rages into battle against Dracula, with all the sweat and touching, Dracula invites Helsing to join him, join him for what? Van kills him, Anna gives Van the antidote, and they live happily ever after. Ha, Ha, no she dies, ha, ha, ha, ha. This film could have been good, but it wasn’t so I give it a 3 out of 10.


Blogger Neonyte said...

Ah, Van Hellsing was a great movie. I'd give it 3 points alone for the humor, and I'd give it um... well yeah it rocked. Just as much as Resident Evil Apocalypse. One night I plan on watching them both with a group of guys just to spend the rest of the night mocking how 'good' they are.

I think for you next story time installment you should talk about the cool fish you once had. I think it would go like this, "I once had these great fish. Fish that you would sell you cat for. They died." Seriously, pawn the cat and the turtle, bring back the fishy love.

9:07 PM

Blogger JB said...

Sorry your the only one that would want to hear a fish story, i think you like fish way too much, i would fear watching the creature from the black lagoon with you. especially since it's a dude.

9:53 PM

Blogger Neonyte said...

As if I'd like a movie about a half fish man. Its the same reason I find mermaids disgusting, fish and humans just don’t' mix well. That doesn't stop fish from rocking though. In the oceans they shall reign supreme, but it looks like up here they only serve to be good pets or tomorrow's leftovers.

8:33 PM

Blogger JB said...

actually whales reign supreme, they are the largest animal in the ocean, and they are not fish. so take that to the bank and cash it! ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, it's way to fun messing with you Jon, and i hope that all the fish in the world get some illness and die.

8:38 PM


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